on mother’s day and “the unmothered”
my timeline is overcrowded with ‘friends’ changing their profile pictures – from one of themselves looking hip to ones with their mother and if they’ve had a child, it’s one of themselves with their child. phew… mother’s day is back. this is not to say that i am a celebrator of ‘days’. birthdays and anniversaries make the cut for me. birthdays and anniversaries mark a huge moment in my life, a huge step and i like to take that step back, pause and just think about the journey. that’s not the case with mother’s day.
needless to say i love and admire my mother. this is not to take away from that but to think about this ‘one day celebration’ we tend to indulge our souls in. then step back and say we’ve done our duty. i don’t get that. and i see it in all kinds of things around us – whether ‘earth hour’ or “charity day”. i know and believe in starting small, but do we humans set really small and easy targets for ourselves? imagine if we said it’s mother’s year and we would never say anything cruel, unkind or took our mother’s for granted this year. now that would be something, a challenge and a respectful tribute to someone who’s done so much for you all your life.
with all the mushy pictures hijacking my timeline, there was this one status that stood out. the title drew me in and i clicked.
“the unmothered” by ruth margalit is a poignant and beautifully written piece…. it is about loss and dealing with loss. i think those are two separate things, there is a shift+delete finality about death but for the survivor, dealing with that loss, becomes such a mammoth task. one paragraph through the article, suddenly i was thinking about a friend.
one month ago i received a message from a good friend saying, “i lost my mother.” she was busy, said don’t call now. over this last month time we’ve been in touch sporadically, spoken about her loss, about dealing with it and being unable to cope. i could only think about her through the piece.
she and i are one of those chance friends. we lived & studied on the same campus for 1 year, but never spoke. after getting to know her much later when we both worked in the same organisation, i wonder why. we’re still not best buddies but there is a kindred spirit. there is so much similar in us, and many other qualities i like in her… i think that keeps me there. she is one of the few people i have never said anything bad about – ever.
we chatted a few days ago… before she went for a vacation to her sister’s. she said she’s finding it tough to deal with it, unable to mourn or let herself go… if she did, she felt she would just sink.
how do you deal with grief? how do you get over without getting under at some point? do you need to mourn to stop mourning? where does that journey begin and where does it end? ruth’s article is a good read, one from a fellow griever. it is moving and she doesn’t give you solutions. she just tells you her story and with it, you think about yours.